


This Phantom Skin

by Nonbinary_Connor



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alana is a Aro Lesbian, Connor Tries, Evan is autistic, Gay, Homophobia, I love Heidi, Jared doesn’t know how to process his emotions, Larry tries ??, M/M, Mostly me venting, Trans Character, Trans Evan, Transphobia, Treebros, did you fall, i might just make him exactly like my father, just a little bit though, or did you let go?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-17
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-05-24 17:32:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14958992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nonbinary_Connor/pseuds/Nonbinary_Connor
Summary: Evan Hansen never liked himselfMostly because he was born in the wrong bodyConnor Murphy is alone[Discontinued]





	1. Knock Knock it’s depression

**Author's Note:**

> Help me son

Evan  
Dear Mom,  
Sorry. I'm sorry for all the pain and sorrow I've caused. Please don't mourn over me too long. I'm sorry for all the money I've wasted and the extra hours you had to spend working so I could eat. I'm sorry I'm such a fuck up. I'm sorry I couldn't have been the daughter you've always wanted I love you forever  
Love,  
Your son,  
Evan Hansen.

I read the note again, letting tears fall onto the paper. I fold it up and stick it in my coat pocket. I start climbing, gripping the tree branches as I got higher and higher, before I reach the top. The blue sky seems so close. The sun shines on my face, and the light breeze makes me feel so calm. I let myself cry. I look around at the trees, the vines and the fields of tall grasses. I can see the edge of town from up here.   
I know no one in the town will look for me. It’ll take weeks before they find me. I look one last time at the trees and the silhouettes of birds. I let the sun shine down on me and smile as a tear slides down my cheek.  
I'm glad this is the last thing I'll ever see.   
I let go.

Connor  
I love walking through the forest. It’s calming, and the pictures turn out great. I stop in a field of tall grass and wildflowers, bend down and- click. I set my camera down and lay in the grass, and stretch out under the sun. I might be a violent asshole everywhere else, but being alone with trees makes me feel- okay, for a little while.   
CRASH.   
I sit up and check my surroundings. I don’t see anything... did a tree fall? Oh. I hear the ugliest sobbing ever.   
Maybe a kid fell out of a tree. I think about moving on, but what would some kid be doing this deep in the forest? I pick myself up and start walking in the direction of the crying.  
The body lies twisted, the left arm bent at unnatural angles. The grotesque sight, complete with a puddle of blood, is making me tear up. I wanted to run away and hide in a bush... but I couldn't just leave them.   
"Hello?" I called out cautiously. The person twisted their head around and screamed. Snot and tears run down their face, which was bloody from the cut on their cheek. It was an ugly sight.  
"Oh, god. You need help.” This observation feels really obvious now that it’s left my mouth. “Can I touch you? Why were you climbing a tree? Is anybody else here?" They open their mouth to say something, but end up just sobbing. Oh lord. This is pitiful.  
I sigh, not knowing what to do except drive them to the ER. "Can I touch you?"   
They nod. I pick them up and carry them to my car. I may be a dick but I'm not going to leave some poor kid in the forest to bleed to death.  
I set them down in the passenger seat and start driving to the hospital.  
After a few minutes, they’d calmed down enough that I thought they could talk. "So, man, what's your name?" I ask.  
It was a moment before they responded. I thought it was a combination of the pain and the tears, but something about the silence also seemed like hesitation.  
"Emma Hansen?" they say finally. It sounds more like a question than an answer. But I don’t press it- she probably knows me as that kid who threw the printer at the teacher in 2nd grade.

Evan  
I didn't know what to say my name was. Evan Hansen? or Emma Hansen? I go with Emma. It’s my birth name, and no one knows me as Evan anyway.  
The car ride is quiet. No music. No questions, other than my name. It gives me time to think... which probably isn't a good idea, because before long, we pull up to the ER, and I start to panic.   
What if mom is there? Oh, no, what if mom is my nurse? What if someone reads the note??  
"Emma?”  
I look over at the boy who’d driven me. “Are you okay?" he asks. I nod and try to smile. He helps me out of the car and practically carries me into the ER.   
"Emma? What happened?!" The nurse at the front desk asks. I look up to see it was Anna, one of my moms closest coworkers. I didn't answer because I was looking at the floor, letting my tears hit the tile, trying not to let out a sob.  
She turned to the kid who was with me. "Sir, what happened?"  
"She fell out of a tree... at least, I think," he answers.   
He sits with me as I wait for a doctor, and still while I get patched up. He’s still there when my cast is on and I’m just waiting for my mom to come get me.  
My mom bursts into the room, scrubs still on. "Emma! Oh my god, baby, are you okay?"   
.I nod and try to give her a smile. She smiles back, relieved, and turns to look at the boy. "Thank you so much. I'm Heidi, Emma’s mother. What's your name again?"  
"Connor Murphy." Oh, gosh, really? The kid who threw a printer at the teacher in the second grade?  
Mom beams at him. "Thank you so much, Connor, for finding Emma! I don't know what I would have done if I got home and she was missing." She breathes, wrapping her arms around Connor.   
I stare at my cast. Connor Murphy… huh.  
I know Connor- well, not know, more like know of. He's a druggy who skips class all the time and gets into fights. Not the type of person I expected to drive me to the ER.

Connor  
A woman wearing scrubs bursts through the door.   
"Emma! Oh my god, baby, are you okay?" Emma nods and smiles. For a kid who just fell out of a fucking tree, she sure is set on being okay.   
The woman turns and looks at me. "Thank you so much. I'm Heidi, Emma’s mother. What's your name again?"  
"Connor Murphy."  
"Thank you so much, Connor, for finding Emma! I don't know what I would have done if I got home and she was missing." She breathes, wrapping her arms around me. I glance at Emma stare at her cast. I know she recognizes me and probably doesn't want me around, so I left her with her mother. As I left, I noticed a folded piece of paper, making sure she wasn't looking at me, I swept up the paper. I knew it was probably wrong, but my curiosity got the better of me. I unfolded it.   
"Dear Mom  
sorry. I'm sorry for all the pain and sorrow I've caused. Please don't mourn over me too long. I'm sorry for all the money I've wasted and the extra hours you had to spend working so I could eat. I'm sorry I'm such a fuck up. I'm sorry I couldn't have been the daughter you always wanted. I love you forever  
Love,  
Your son  
Evan Hansen"  
It was a suicide note.


	2. T is for Trauma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan comes out to him mom  
> Connor is mostly high

I stared in the mirror, I wanted to cry. I’m gross and fat, and worst of all, I look like a girl. Everything feels wrong, like I’m in someone else’s body. All the curves of my body are soft. My stomach is soft and I have a baby face, which makes me look even more feminine. Some days, i would take the ace bandages from under the sink and wrap my chest with them, and walk around, and I would be Evan for a while, and then Evan would have to retreat inside and I’d be Emma again. I’m crying again, shit.

“Emma?” I cover my mouth and try to calm myself down. Breath in. Breath out.

“Y-yeah?” I respond, trying to keep my voice from cracking “Are you okay? You’ve been in there for a while.” “yeah, s-ssorry”

“Its okay.” It's not okay. I want to scream. I want to yell at her for calling me Emma. I hear it everyday but I’m sick of it. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of me.

*time skip brought to you by the insanely cool Jared Kleinman*

'Dear Emma Hansen,

Today is going to be a great day and here's why"

why would today be a great day? cause all i'm going to hear today will be 'Emma'? because everyone will see me as a girl? because I'm too scared to come out? because we live in the bible belt and i'm afraid of what other people will say?

I take a deep breath as mom opens the door.

"so you just decided not to eat last night?" I quickly close my laptop.

"Oh, I'm, um, I wasn't hungry..."

"you're a senior in high school, Emma. You need to be able to order dinner for yourself while I’m at work. You can do it all online now. you don't have to talk to anyone the phone. I know you don't like the phone."

"okay but see, that's not true,actually. you have to talk to the delivery person when they come to the door. then they have to make change.. you have to stand there while its silent and they're counting the change and.."

"this is what you're supposed to be working on Emma. With Dr. Sherman? talking to people. Engaging with people. Not running away from people."

"you're right. I'm going to be a lot better."

"no, i know. I know you are. and that's why I made you an appointment with Dr.Sherman for this afternoon. I'll pick you up after school."

"I already have an appointment next week."

"and i thought maybe you could use something a little sooner. Have you been writing those letters he wants you to do? the letters to yourself? the pep talks? 'dear Emma Hansen, Today is going to be a good day and here's why' have you been doing those?"

"I started writing one. I'll finish it at school."

"Those letters are important honey. There going to help you build your confidence. seize the day."

"I guess."

"I don't another day of you sitting at home on your computer every Friday night, telling me you have no friends."

"Neither do I."

Mom leaves and I throw on a plain blue tee shirt and some light-wash jeans. I stare in the mirror, disgusted by what I see.

When I walk out, I throw a sharpie into my back pocket, just in case.

I hadn’t even gotten to my locker when Alana Beck stops me in the hallway.

“How was your summer?”

“My-”

“Mine was productive. I did three internships and 90 hours of community service. I know: wow.”

I open my mouth to respond, but Alana cuts me off again.

“Even though i was so busy I still made some great friends. Well, acquaintances more like.

“Do y-you want to uh, I don't know m-maybe sign my cast?”

“Oh my god. What happened?”

"Oh. well, i broke it. Climbing a tree.”

“Oh, really? My grandma broke her hip getting into the bathtub in July. that was the beginning of the end the doctors said. Because then she died.” she smiles. “Happy first day.”

confused , I make my way to my locker. Where Jared is standing.

“So what happened?” Jared asks gesturing to my arm.

“I uh, f-f-fell out of a tree?” I say. Jared blinks, 

“You fell out of a tree? What are you, an acorn?” Jared asks with a short laugh.  _ At least Jared found it funny. _

“Y-yeah! You know how I was an intern at Ellison park? Well one day I uh, was climbing this tree and, and uh, then I fell?” I say humorously

“God you’re lame,” Jared scoffs

“Do you maybe wanna sign my cast?” I ask, reaching to take the sharpie out of my back pocket.

“Why would I do that?” he asks. I tuck the marker back in his pocket.

“I just thought m-maybe since w-w-we’re uh, we’re friends?”

“We’re not friends. We’re  _ family  _ friends. There’s a difference. Oh! Make sure to mention me hanging out with you to your mom, I need my car insurance paid,” Jared says. I frown.

Right  _ Family Friends _ . Cause why would anyone actually want to be friends with me.

Just then, Connor Murphy walks by, I feel my heart begins to beat. God what if he knows?

“Hey Connor, loving the hair cut. Real school shooter chic.” Connor turns and glares at Jared

“It was a joke.” He nervously chuckles.

“No, no, it was  funny.” he says. His lips dripping with sarcasm.

“I’m laughing, can’t you tell? Am I not laughing hard enough for you?” 

“You’re- you’re such a freak” he spits out, turning away and practically running away.

“What the fuck are you laughing at? You think I’m a freak? I’m not the freak”

“Nonoiwasntiwasjust-“I say, in a (failed) attempt to explain myself

“You’re the  _ fucking freak _ !” He knows. Oh my god He knows. I take off into the bathroom, into the handicap stall and drop to the floor, I don’t care if the floor is dirty. I can’t stand up any longer. My back hurts from the floor but honestly, I’m kinda numb He’s going to tell everyone and everyone will hate me. Fuck. fuck. Fuck. fuck. The door opens. I hold my breath, hoping who ever it is will just leave.

“Emma?” I don’t answer.

“Emma what did Connor say to you?” fuck. Its Zoe murphy. I've, unknown to anyone, been crushing on since 7th grade. Great. Zoe Murphy is going to talk to me and I’m going to fuck it up and then she’ll never talk to me again. Oh god, why couldn’t have the tree been taller? I can’t open my mouth. If I do, I’ll let out a sob, and then she’ll know i’m here and that I'm a fuck up

I don’t hear anything else, and I can’t see anyone, so I assume she left. I start to regulate my breathing. I wait until after the first bell rings to leave the stall. No ones in the bathroom, so I stare in the bathroom mirrors, my eyes are puffy. My hair is tangled and all over the place. I pull it up into a bun and splash my face with the water. Someone walks in. I try to ignore them and pretend I didn’t just have a panic attack. But just my luck its Zoe fucking Murphy. Great. I look like absolute shit, I’m visibly shaking, and I do not have the energy to do anything other than cry. Actually me 24/7.

“Emma, are you okay?” she asks.

“Y-yeah.” at this point I’m ready to start crying again. But instead, I smile. she steps closer.

“Are you sure? You don’t look okay.”

“I-I’m f-fine. I-its nothing.” she tilts her head.

“Does this have anything to do with my brother?” my face must have given the answer, because she mutters, “I’m gonna kick his ass.”

She steps closer and wraps her arms around me. I try not to break down, I don’t want to look weak, but I fail and sob into her shoulder. She rubs my back, assuring me it’ll be okay. I want to believe her, I really do. But why would someone like me ever be okay.

*another time skip but this time it’s brought to you by Will Roland playing Jeremy*

I wander around the park, I don’t remember long it’s been but I’m here. All I remember was Connor 

When the sun starts setting, I make my way home.

*time skip brought to you by my amazing girlfriend Brandy*

“Emma! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?? I’VE BEEN WORRIED SICK! I ALMOST CALLED THE POLICE!”

“Mom I’m s-s-sorry i was in the p-p-park and I-I-lost track of t-t-time…”

“EMMA ELIZABETH HANSEN I’VE BEEN CALLING YOU NONSTOP FOR THE PAST 3 HOURS!” I’m crying now. I don’t remember the last time Mom was this angry.

“I’m s-s-sorry…”

“EMMA I THOUGHT YOU DIED OR KIDNAPPED OR WORSE! SORRY DOESN’T CUT IT!”

“I’m sorry, my phone died and I lost track of time and i just-”

“EMMA HANSEN IT'S 12:30! BAD THINGS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO GIRLS AFTER 10”

“STOP CALLING ME THAT! I’M SO FUCKING DONE WITH ‘EMMA THIS’ AND ‘EMMA THAT’ CAN’T YOU SEE I’M A FUCKING BOY?!” I freeze. Fuck. Fuck.

Mom opens her mouth to respond, but nothing comes out. In a moment of sudden energy, I run into my room. I lock the door behind me and lay on my bed. I let myself go. I curl up into a ball on my sheets and sob. I can’t. Fuck Unable to stay in the apartment, I pack a bag of my favorite things, 6 pairs of clothes, and all the cash I have, like $20. I put on my favorite hoodie, and crawl out my window onto the fire escape. Part of me knows I’m overreacting, but my anxiety is taking over. I take off running in the one place that might calm me down- the forest.

*time skip brought to you by my GF eating rolly-pollies when she was little*

I slump against the tree, I stare up at the web of branches above me. I think of the look on moms face when I. . . when I told her. People always say coming out is better than staying in the closet forever. But is it really? I start to cry, knowing nothing will ever be okay. My life isn’t a book or TV show. Nothing ever goes right in my life. Exhausted, I close my eyes and pull my hoodie around me. Hoping my life is just a dream. And that I’ll wake up in the body of a boy, with a mom that’s always there, and a dad.

**Connor**

I might have been high when I found them. I was stumbling out of a clearing, when I saw them, slumped against a tree

“Hey dude? You got any pot?” The body doesn’t respond. “It’s pretty nice out here. Mind if I sleep here with you? I don’t want to go home. Larry-my dad- might hit me or some shit.” The body doesn’t move. Eh, they probably can’t hear me. “Thanks man.”

I lay down next to them and wrap my hoodie around me.

*time skip brought to you by my crippling gender dysphoria*

I wake up incredibly confused. It’s dark, I’m cold, and I’m not in my bed. I sit up. I start to remember yesterday(?). I take out my phone. It’s 3:45. And I have around 2 million texts. Most of them are from mom., maybe 10 are from Zoe, and 1 or 2 at most are from Larry. Nope, not going home now. I’ll take my chances out here. I hear someone stirring.

“Where the fuck am I?” whoever stirred asks

“Bitch, I don’t Know.” I state They look startled

“W-w-who are you?” I take my hood off and look at them.

“C-Connor? W-what are you doing here?” 

“I was high out of my mind last night i have no idea how I got here. Also how the fuck do you know who I am?” 

“I-its uh Emma. Hansen”

“Oooooh.” Emma/Evan hmm. What are they doing out here. At 4am. 

“W-what time is it?”

“4.”

“In the morning?!”

“Yeah? You got some place to be?”

“N-no.” they mutter something else, but i can’t make out anything. It’s silent for a moment to long.

“Why are you out here?” i ask

“N-no reason.” My phone rings. It’s Zoe. reluctantly, I answer

“Hey-”

“Where the FUCK are you??”

“I honestly have no idea.”

“Well some girl from our school has probably been kidnaped. And its four in the GODDAMN morning.”

“Jeez Zoe fell asleep.”

“WHERE??”

“I don't know I’m in some forest.” She mutters something.

“I see you.”

“What??!”

“I’m using find my iphone. I know where you are. I’m coming to get you.”

“Fuck zoe. How do you know my passcodes?”

“I got you to tell me when you where high.”

“Fuck.”

“I’ll be there in a minute.” she hangs up. I look at Emma/Evan

“You need a ride home?” I ask

“N-no. I-I’m good” they stutter. I raise an eyebrow.

“Okay. whatever.” Maybe ½ an hour of awkward silence, Zoe shows up. She looks very angry but I probably deserve it. Hell I’m surprised she cared enough to some get me. “Lets go Connor.” then she notices Emma/Evan.

“EMMA! OH MY GOD! YOUR MOMS BEEN GOING INSANE LOOKING FOR YOU! YOU’RE ALL OVER THE NEWS.” They look scared “W-what?” She takes out her phone and dials a number she has written on her hand.

“Yes. I am.” Pause “Yeah, She’s here with my brother.” After Emma/Evan hears this, they look startled

“P-p-please don’t Z-zoe.” Either she doesn’t hear them or just doesn’t care.

“Yeah, I’ll bring her home.” She says. Emma/Evan jumps up quickly, and runs the opposite way Zoe came from. Deeper into the forest.

“Shit.” I mutter. Zoe stands wide-eyed at the back of Emma/Evans back as they move deeper into the woods.

“Run after her Connor.”

“Why not you?”

“You have longer legs.”

“Fine.” I take off. I catch up with them quickly, due to the fact that I used to do track, and they are short.

“Evan!” they turn around.

“Why d-do you k-k-keep calling me t-t-that?”

“Isn’t it your name?”

“Y-yeah? N-n-no? I d-d-don’t know.” we’ve both stopped moving now “and w-why do you c-care?”

“Maybe I don’t,” Maybe-Maybe because if i had just- just called him Chase, maybe if i just- we are not thinking about chase right now. “Maybe I’m just not that much of a dick.” they look at me

“Come on let’s get you home.”

*time skip brought to you by me and Hans Christian Anderson having the same birthday*

Evan We pull up to my apartment complex. The whole block is swarming with police cars. Zoe helps me out of the car, and Connor follows. I trip like 3 times just on the stairs from anxiety. I’m afraid I’ll have a panic attack right here. There’s so much tension. They’re gonna want to know why i ran away. And then i’ll have to tell people. And what if they laugh at me? What. . . what if the kids at school start bullying me again. What is Jared doesn’t want to even hang out anymore. He may not be a friend but he’s the closest thing to one i have.

“Emma.” Zoe says cautiously. Trying not to startle me.

“Which one’s your apartment?” I lead her towards out apartment-apartment C-18. I try to open the door, but my hands are too sweaty, and they’re shaking too much.

“Shit.” i mutter. While Zoe looks confused, Connor reaches around her and opens the door. I silently thank him. When the door opens, mom is sitting on the couch, head in her hands, while her best friend, Anne, rubs her back. There are at least 5 police officers crowded in our tiny apartment. When they hear the door creak open, they all turn their heads. 7 pairs of eyes on me. On me This is all my fault. Before I can turn around and run, Mom has pulled me into a bear hug. The kind she gives me when i have after an anxiety attack. Slowly, I wrap my arms around her, and let myself go. I sob into her shoulder. After a while, one of the police officers clears their throat.

“Ma’am, we are going to have to ask Emma some questions, if you don’t mind.” she looks at me. Asking for my position. I nod. At this moment, I realize Zoe and Connor and still standing there awkwardly. Mom must have realized this too, because she lets go of me, and takes them both into a bear hug.

“Thank you-”

“I’m Zoe, and this is my brother, Connor.” She smiles,

“yes I know Connor.”

“Thank you Zoe, Thank you Connor. Will you two be okay driving home by yourselves?”

“Yes Mrs.Hansen.” Zoe looks past mom to the police officers. “We should probably be on our way. Mom and Dad are probably worried.” mom nods and starts leading them out the door.

“Bye Evan.” Connor says before leaving.

“Evan, huh?” mom asks. I nod. “I like it.” she says, ruffling my hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeet my parents took my phone after i tried to kms so updates will be REEEAAALLY slow.


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan finally goes to school as Evan  
> Jared and Connor getup a fight

“Evan, I ordered a binder online but won’t be here for a couple weeks. Are you okay with wearing sports bras until then?” “

Yeah.”

“I told the school to change your name on the roll. If you have any trouble with teachers or students call me."

“Thanks, Mom.”

“I have to leave for work honey, I love you Evan.”

“I love you too”

*time skip to school cause I can’t write*

“YO EM.” Jared yells from across the hall. My heart stops beating for a second. ‘Shit don’t respond. Show no emotion.’ Jared grabs my shoulder.

“Yo what happened last week, you were all over the news.”

“U-uh I um, went f-f-for a w-walk and I got l-lost and ended up f-falling asleep in this w-wooded area.” Jared raises an eyebrow.

“Thats fucking pathetic.”

“I-I know.”

“Hey Ev.” I turn around to see Connor. I relax a little. Jared side-eyes him, then me. “Why’s hot topic talking to you, Emma?” I flinch. Connor seems to notice me flinching. He takes my hand.

“Come on Evan lets go.” he says pulling me away

“Evan? Her name is Emma.” I flinch again.

“No, his name is Evan.” Jared laughs. “Oh my god. She’s a girl! Right Emma?” He laughs.

“You probably shouldn’t have gotten that hair cut, It makes you look like a boy.” “He is a boy.” Jared looks beyond annoyed. “Is this some kind of prank? She’s obviously a girl, I’ve known her longer than you.”

“Obviously you don’t actually know him.” Both boys’ voices are starting to rise. People are starting to take notice.

“Lets g-go.” I mumble. Neither of them notice.

“Let go, Emma.” Jared isn’t even looking at me, just glaring at Connor.

“Don’t listen to him, Evan” Connor says, but drops my hand.

“P-please stop.” People are staring now. I can feel their eyes on me. Why are they staring at me? God why couldn’t have the tree been taller. Both boys are yelling... now there’s a crowd gathering. I start to panic. I glance at Jared, then at Connor, and then I pick one.

“C-c-connor, please s-s-stop. L-let’s just g-go.” I pull on his sleeve. I try to grab his hands. He doesn’t even notice. There's a crowd of people around us. Connor and Jared are screaming at one another... It looks like it might get physical.

The crowd seems to be closing in on me. Every sound is jarring. The screams get louder. I can’t breathe. My vision blurs as tears gather in my eyes.

 I back into a wall and slide against the lockers onto the floor. I pull my knees up to my chest and try to block out the sounds, Jared screaming and Connor screaming and the crowd whispering. No matter how hard I press my hands against my ears, I can still hear voices. Stop it stop it stop it stOP IT STOP IT STOP Someone puts their hand on my shoulder and shakes me. I flinch and jump back, still shaking and sobbing. It’s Zoe.

“Are you okay, Emma?” I flinch. Emma Emma Emma Emma. I wanted to scream. Stupid stupid Stupid. Why did I think I could start over?

Connor “

“Evan, I ordered a binder online but won’t be here for a couple weeks. Are you okay with wearing sports bras until then?”

“Yeah.”

“I told the school to change your name on the roll. If you have any trouble with teachers or students call me.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

“I have to leave for work honey, I love you Evan.”

“I love you too”

*time skip to school cause I can’t write*

“YO EM.” Jared yells from across the hall. My heart stops beating for a second. 

‘Shit don’t respond. Show no emotion.’ Jared grabs my shoulder.

“Yo what happened last week, you were all over the news.”

“U-uh I um, went f-f-for a w-walk and I got l-lost and ended up f-falling asleep in this w-wooded area.”

Jared raises an eyebrow. “Thats fucking pathetic.”

“I-I know.”

“Hey Ev.” I turn around to see Connor. I relax a little.

Jared side-eyes him, then me. “Why’s hot topic talking to you, Emma?” I flinch. Connor seems to notice me flinching. He takes my hand.

“Come on Evan lets go.” he says pulling me away

“Evan? Her name is Emma.” I flinch again.

“No, his name is Evan.” 

Jared laughs. “Oh my god. She’s a girl! Right Emma?” He laughs. “You probably shouldn’t have gotten that hair cut, It makes you look like a boy.”

“He is a boy.”

Jared looks beyond annoyed. “Is this some kind of prank? She’s obviously a girl, I’ve known her longer than you.”   
“Obviously you don’t actually know  _ him.”  _ Both boys’ voices are starting to rise. People are starting to take notice.

“Lets g-go.” I mumble. Neither of them notice.

“Let go,  _ Emma. _ ” Jared isn’t even looking at me, just glaring at Connor.

“Don’t listen to him,  _ Evan _ ” Connor says, but drops my hand.

“P-please stop.” People are staring now. I can feel their eyes on me. Why are they staring at me? God why couldn’t have the tree been taller. Both boys are yelling... now there’s a crowd gathering. I start to panic. I glance at Jared, then at Connor, and then I pick one.

“C-c-connor, please s-s-stop. L-let’s just g-go.” I pull on his sleeve. I try to grab his hands. He doesn’t even notice. There's a crowd of people around us. Connor and Jared are screaming at one another... It looks like it might get physical. The crowd seems to be closing in on me. Every sound is jarring. The screams get louder. I can’t breathe. My vision blurs as tears gather in my eyes. I back into a wall and slide against the lockers onto the floor. I pull my knees up to my chest and try to block out the sounds, Jared screaming and Connor screaming and the crowd whispering. No matter how hard I press my hands against my ears, I can still hear voices. Stop it stop it  _ stop it stOP IT STOP IT STOP _

Someone puts their hand on my shoulder and shakes me. I flinch and jump back, still shaking and sobbing. It’s Zoe.

“Are you okay, Emma?” I flinch.  _ Emma Emma Emma  _ **_Emma_ ** . I wanted to scream. Stupid stupid  _ Stupid. _ Why did I think I could start over?

 

**Connor**

“Mr. Murphy, do you care explain why you and Mr. Kleinman where fighting in the halls?” Mr. Jones asks

“Nah” I state

“Mr. Kleinman?”

“I was just talking to my friend Emma, and he got super angry.”

“Mr. Murphy? Care to explain.”

“No.” If i explain why, I might cry. And I can’t cry. Nope. I refuse to cry in front of people. Mr. Jones sighs.

“Well then, Mr. Kleinman, you can go to class, and Mr. Murphy, I need you to stay here for a little while. We’re going to have a little talk.” I shrug, watching Jared smirk and flip me off while Mr. Jones’ back is turned.

While I sit in Mr.Jones office, I allow myself to think. I think about Chase. That's the reason i was so angry. But I’m not gonna tell anybody that. Cause maybe if I had just  _ listened  _ to chase. Maybe I wouldn’t be so fucked up. Maybe we’d still be dancing in my room listening to  _ The Strays _ . Maybe he’d sit with me when I can’t seem to get up in the morning. And maybe he’d play  _ Bulls In The Bronx _ and let me cry on his shoulder. Maybe… just maybe if I hadn’t been a dick. I would still have my bestfriend. And I know why I was a dick. It’s because I had a crush on him. It’s because I couldn’t accept that i was fucking gay. I could still have my best friend if I fucking accepted my gayness and gotten over my internalized homophobia. I feel like crying. Shit.

**Evan**

“Evan Hansen?” the teacher calls

“Heere!” I squeak. Jared looks confused.

“Evan?”

“Y-yeah.”

Jared pauses for a moment, trying to understand. “Emma, why did the teacher call you Evan.”   
  


“I-it’s my name.”

“What??”   
  


“I’m a boy, Jared.”

He looks so confused.  **(just imagine ??? but like on a person's face. I almost just put “???” but i realized that that's not actual words.)**

“I’m trans, Jared.”

His eyes widen.

“W-what?” he looks startled. And -scared- maybe even angry. He then gets up and leaves the class.

“Kleinman, take the hall pass,” the teacher says. He ignores her.

**Jared**

“I’m trans Jared.”

“W-what?” I’ve had a crush on Emma-Evan- since, like 8th grade. She couldn’t be-  _ He _ couldn’t- no, I’m not-

Fuck. I know I shouldn’t, but I leave the class. I need to sort this out. 

“Kleinman, take the hall pass,” the teacher says. Whoops, I’m already out the door.

I wander around the halls, 

“I can’t be gay.” I whisper to myself. “God what will mom think. Shit.” 

Okay, this may or may not be me pushing all my problems on evan to vent instead of actually talking to someone about my problems.

**Evan**

I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling. I feel so….numb. I’ve tried to make myself feel...anything. I’ve tried listening to sad music-nothing. I tried listening to happy music-nothing. I tried screaming-nothing. I tried watching the office- nothing. 

I let my mind wander until I come back to-Jared. Suddenly, I’m sobbing. Fuck. He may have never been my real friend but he was the closest thing to a friend I’ve ever had. And now…. Now he probably hates me. Now i have no one. 

Fuck. I need to distract myself, so I take my ukelele from the corner of the room and breath. No one is home to judge me.

“Often I am upset that I cannot fall in love, 

but I guess, 

this avoids the stress of falling out of it.

Are you tired of me yet? 

I’m a little sick right now, 

but I swear, 

when I’m ready I will fly us out of here.

I’ll cut my hair. 

To make you stare. 

I’ll hide my chest 

and I’ll figure out a way to get us out of here. 

Turn off your porcelain face. 

I can’t really think right now in this place. 

There's to many colors enough to drive all of us insane.

Are you dead? 

Sometimes I think I’m dead.

Cause i can feel ghost and ghouls wrapping my head. 

But I don't wanna fall asleep just yet.

My eyes went dark 

I don't know where 

my pupils are. 

But I’ll figure out a way to get us out of here. 

Get a load of this monster 

he doesn't know how to communicate 

his mind in in a different place

will everybody please give him a little bit of space. 

Get a load of this trainwreck

his hair’s a mess and he doesn’t know who he his yet.

But little does he know the stars welcome him with open arms. 

Time is 

slowly 

tracing his face 

but strangely he feels at home in this place”

I breath out, feeling strangely calm, and a little tired. So I lay down on my bed. I close my eyes and everything seems okay. I drift into a peaceful slumber. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm high key Voltron trash and Shiro it's Gay and I'm actually sobbing  
> I'm going to a twenty one pilots concert in November I'm so fucking happy

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t have a tumblr but my insta is @nonbinaryconnor so HMU there


End file.
